dear self respecting women on the northeast coast of the united states of america,
for the past few days, the weather has been unusually hot for this time of year. it’s the kind of weather that almost forces you to go outside…april is for the sixty degree days, the nineties are usually left for august. with this in mind, please remember one key thing while getting dressed in the morning: THE MARSHMALLOW FACTOR. not everyone is affected by this, but for those of us who don’t spend our winters in a depressive state of non-eating anxiety, we tend to have a little bit of a marshmallow.
please refrain from wearing tank tops and up-your-ass shorts if you fall into the marshmallow category. it’s gross. also, save the bikinis/tramp stamps for the summer months (mid to late may is usually your best bet). one last thing: if you are going to wear a bikini to tan in april, please stop doing it in the academic quad, where all 12,000 students and faculty members can see your flabby, fish belly white, cellulite infested thighs…just go to a tanning bed. Or, if you're not into the whole cancer thing, try a private place…like your house? please, the easter bunny’s eyes are burning. if you don’t do it for yourself, i guess just do it for jesus.
i am a victim of the marshmallow factor, but I still manage to look good without wearing loin cloth sized clothing. if you’re too hot, try cutting off your hair and/or dying it white. that’s what I did. not only am I cooler than you, i’m also better for the environment.
xo,
taylz
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